Skip to content

June 17, 2009

Okay so I’m taking a brief sabbatical from my Georgetown Throwdown series (it’s going to take me like 3 weeks to recover from the one post I wrote) to ruminate on the wonders of Ina Garten.

This is Ina.

She fucking rules.

She fucking rules.

She is the Barefoot Contessa.  I love her.  I often think of ways that I can improve myself to be like her.  So far I have the following rules: add butter, surround yourself with the gheys, have flowers at the ready.  Once I bought a vase to put flowers in but instead I filled it halfway up with those rocks for vases they sell at Target, I think they were sea glass actually, and I meant to get flowers but fuck.  That’s pretty bleak.  Anyway.  Here’s a brief summary of her life:

She met her husband Jeffrey at 15 and sent him brownies in shoeboxes at college and then they got married and they’re still married and they’re really happy probably because he commutes to work and is only home on the weekends because he runs the economy and she has a coterie of gay gentlemen and sexually ambiguous female friends to keep her company, also because she used to own this store called Barefoot Contessa that Martha Stewart loved and featured all the time because it did really cool stuff like make delicious scones and prepared foods and brownies zomg the brownies but this was after Ina was a White House nuclear expert rocket scientist and flipped houses in Dupont and now she’s got 2 Food Network shows and like a million cookbooks.  Also she speaks French.

More about my obsession after the jump:

Some of my favorite recipes from Ina include her apple tarte tatin, coconut cupcakes and outrageous (!) brownies.  While thinking of my faves, I came to realize that a large part of why I am a vegetarian is to further the end of eating dessert.  Less meat calories = more sugar calories.  Fine by me.  I would always rather have pie than bacon.  Always. Unless that pie includes bacon in which case I would rather just eat a fucking stick of butter dipped in sugar.  Om nom nom.

Speaking of sticks of butter.  Ina is infamous for using pounds (literally, as in more than one) of butter in her baking.  You might think, well, maybe she’s making dessert for lots of people. To that I say, fuck you, I do not share dessert with other people, that is for the plebs and the anorexics.

Maybe, you think, it’s very rich and she’ll only serve small amounts. To that, I say – restraint is not a value, it is a crutch, a fallacy, a poor man’s desperate attempt to cling to a truth, the only belief he has to sustain him through this wretched winter of our time, this recession that has sucked the nectar out of our bones and the filling from our donuts.  Restraint is not a woman’s gentle refusing of a third portion of pie, no, restraint is me NOT kicking that woman in the ovaries so she can’t pass on her food-hating genes to unsuspecting babies.  Babies love food.  Babies love sugar (ever tried breastmilk?).  Babies might be lame in a myriad of other ways, but they have this part right.  They’re small, fat, guzzling little beasts who have magically conceived a way to get what they want, all the time – they fucking cry about it.  And it works.

Fuck yeah, babies.

Which brings us to this revelation: a weekly (or whatever, fairly consistent) posting of the most ridiculous recipes Ina makes – the amount of butter, cream, bacon fat and lard contained within these hallowed pages will be truly a testament to the decadent, fallen, close to ruin civilization that is America in the new millennium.

Example 1:  The Pecan Squares.

These are fucking glorious, crack laced heart attacks.

These are fucking glorious, crack laced heart attacks.

Oh dear god I found a website that posts the nutritional info.  Pandora had nothing on this.  FML.

But anyway. The crust has 1.25 pounds of butter (that’s 5 sticks).The filling has 1 pound of butter (that’s 4 sticks).  Are we well versed in simple addition? That’s 9 sticks of butter.  9.   It serves 20.  That is just under a half stick of butter in each square.   Omg why did I divide that.

And of course she dips them in chocolate because why not.

Calories per serving: 1003. Om nom nom indeed.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. alexandrajmiller permalink
    June 17, 2009 9:37 pm


  2. ksawyers permalink
    June 17, 2009 11:28 pm

    ChefHooles, your posts make me seriously reconsider my sexual orientation. You are a god.

    Also, I would very much like to see a comparison of Ina and that wily minx of a woman that is Paula Dean. See, Paula SEEMS like she makes things that are much less healthy than Ina, but I think that is just because she licks her fingers a lot during the show and has a deep fryer built into her kitchen counter. They are pretty much on par with butter/crisco usage. I think they get their shirts special made from the same place.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: