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Objectively, the worst book ever.

June 18, 2009

So, for those of you who know me (or who have heard me bitching loudly in places like Sellinger, the Tombs, or on the street), you know that I have a list of “hates,” topped off by two horrible authors. Dan Brown and Amy Tan, who both deserve to die for crimes against literature.

“ohmygod but the joy luck club really spoke to me and my issues with my mom who escaped from communist china/russia/cuba” you might say.  My answer to your bullshit? STFU, all of her books are the same.

“But Dan Brown does such an excellent job placing doubt on the Vatican. They are SOOOOO sketchy.” Once again, STFU. We all know the Vatican has not had the most…stainless?…record in the past (Popes with children, etc), but those books are not only bullshit, they are so poorly written you get stupider reading them. I’m not joking, do not read anything written by Dan Brown.

Yet, thanks to the Japster, I have rediscovered a book that I hate more than the Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, and the Joy Luck Club/Kitchen God’s Wife/Anything Amy Tan ever wrote about Chinese women and their daughters: Where the Red Fern Grows.  Fucking worst book ever.

It even has an ugly cover

It even has an ugly cover

Why? See more after the jump.

I’m going to take you all back to a time when we all were awkward (except Jenna Lowenstein, who peaked in Middle School), and we all hated life. This was especially bad for rebel-without-a-cause Leslie at the illustrious Sewickley Academy, aka hell on earth.

In Seventh Grade, my English teacher was this fat, ugly, and very mean cow of a woman who loved to diagram sentences and who made it her life’s mission to point out every error I ever made. To be fair, I didn’t make many and I was totally an asshole about it.

So, on our reading list for Mrs. Cow (that’s what we’ll call her, ok?), was Where the Red Fern Grows, described by Wikipedia as “a popular choice for early middle school reading classes” because it’s good for smart and dumb kids. Believe me, it was no better for the dumb kids than it was for the smart ones.

The book is about this kid that lives in the Ozarks, and wears overalls. He saves up money (which he carried in the front pocket of his overalls), and buys two coonhounds, which he names Old Dan and Little Ann (the most uncreative names ever. this kid is literally a turd).

This is a cute dog. I will admit it.

This is a cute dog. I will admit it.

The boy gets made fun of for keeping the dogs in a burlap sack (I would make fun of him too, and if  you ask me, I’ll do a great impersonation of how I imagine his Ozark accent would sound), but he loves those damn dogs. That’s all the book is about- how much he loves these dogs. Yes, I get it, they love him back. Dogs are great blah blah blah.

The real clincher is the climax of the book, which I don’t even care if I’m ruining it for anyone. Old Dan protects the boy against a mountain lion (who knew they had those in the Ozarks?), and he dies. I laughed when I had to describe this chapter to the class, and Mrs. Cow took 10 points of my presentation score for being inappropriate. Then, Little Ann is SO SAD ABOUT OLD DAN that she stops eating and dies on his grave. This is almost as melodramatic as that scene in Uncle Tom’s Cabin where someone sees someone that looks like Jesus (for the record, that is also a horrible book).

In conclusion, this book fucking sucks. Do not read this book if you can help it. If you have children, do not let them read this book. It’s fucking horrible, and if they have a teacher who was half as disgusting and fat as Mrs. Cow, she will get mad at them for hating the book and then give them a bad grade. I did not deserve a B- just for hating this book, it’s not my fault it FUCKING SUCKS.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Chris permalink
    June 18, 2009 7:18 pm

    “but those books are not only bullshit, they are so poorly written you get stupider reading them. I’m not joking, do not read anything written by Dan Brown.”

    stupider isn’t a real word, Ms. Literature snob.

    Now who’s stupider? 🙂

  2. alexandrajmiller permalink
    June 18, 2009 9:33 pm

    this was the book for dumb kids. also, i stopped doing reading after i forced myself through the old man and the sea. middle school english teachers rarely pick good books, and when they do, you’ve already read them. seriously, few things pissed me off as much as middle school english.

  3. vso permalink
    June 20, 2009 2:03 pm

    Lesel Goron,

    Your impersonation of an Ozark accent is awful and offensive to my Midwesterners… but really quite entertaining. We read the book in 3rd grade and I cried for a week. You’re dead inside!

    Ms. So
    6th grade teacher who will assign Where the Red Fern Grows just to spite Leslie. In fact, I will have them write a persuasive essay to you as homework.

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