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Stephanie Tanner, I’m talking to you…

June 25, 2009

Lets take a moment and remember the good ol’ days. You know, when three men living together could raise three young lady-children without raising any red flags (why were they all living together? how was John Stamos REALLY supposed to be related to Bob Saget and that guy who Alanis Morrisett dated? were neighbor Kimmy and Uncle Joey getting it on behind closed doors?), when a seven year old saying “how rude!” was the height of comedy, when Mary-Kate and Ashley looked normal and you didn’t have to worry about telling them apart, and before Candace (and, lets face it, more importantly Kirk) Cameron became born again Christians and started their own television network trying to teach people how to refute evolution…

Yes, I am referring to that magical family sitcom, Full House.

Now, I was a HUGE Full House Fan. Mostly, this is because I was OBSESSED with the Olsen Twins and would watch them anytime and anywhere. The show was on in repeats in the afternoon when I was a youngin, and I spent many a day from 3:30-4pm enjoying the Tanner family and learning my fair share of life lessons (like: be careful when riding horses, because you might fall off and have a case of temporary amnesia where you completely forget your family and have weird dreams where you talk to yourself when in reality your television show is on its last legs and the producers really just wanted to find a way to get both Mary-Kate AND Ashley on screen at the same time).

Anyhoo, moral of the story is: I never really cared about any of the other characters. Especially Stephanie. She never did anything fun. However, in recent months, and in fact as recently as this very day, my opinions regarding Stephanie Tanner have changed dramatically. How do I feel about her now? I loathe her with all of my being.

um, can I take a second to talk about that woman's knockers? Je-SUS.

Okay, this hatred MAY actually be pointed at Jodi Sweetin, but since she has not acted (or really done anything) since Full House, little Steph-y Tanner is getting my rage.

Why do I hate this woman, might you ask? Well, I’ll tell ya: she has made it nearly impossible for me to buy effective over-the-counter cold medication in California. See, little Stephanie Tanner grew up to be, what else, a meth addict, and she and her little tweaky friends figured out that you can cook up your own meth right at home by basically mixing up Drain-O and crushed up Sudafed (my hometown, Fresno CA, has the most meth labs per capita of any city in the country, hence the reason my knowledge of meth creation is so vast).

Now, the good people in California realized that they were doing this and have decided to implement a new system for purchasing Sudafed (or any other legit cold medicine): it is hidden (literally, you cannot see it, you have to ask) behind the counter of pharmacies, you have to purcahse it from a pharmacist, and you must have a valid CA drivers license because they put your information into a system and you cannot buy more than one box (that contains 12 pills) in one month. I assure you that NO ONE in California is getting high off of Sudafed anymore, they treat that shit like RU-486 here (yes, I just made an abortion pill joke–I am in NO mood…)

Now, I am currently suffering from a spirit-crushing cold. I rushed to my pharmacy after work (because it closes at SEVEN PM, do NOT even get me started on that…) to buy some drugz so I could possibly regain my sense of smell and ability to breathe. After waiting the 10 minutes it took the woman to enter my drivers license info into the computer, she turned to me with the “I knew you looked like a drug addict” stare and told me the system was refusing to allow me to buy the pills. I literally started to cry at the counter of the Save-On Pharmacy. I am NOT a meth addict, nor a drug user of any kind, but I had to give this lady my best Cheerleader-In-Trouble tears to get her to even look twice at the screen and figure out that she had made a mistake so I could buy by wonderful nasal decongestants. This happens to me every single time I try to buy this shit here. Because the system SUCKS MAJOR BALLZ and you can tell that all the pharmacists hate having to spend so much time to sell someone 7 dollars worth of codeine that could not give a four year old a buzz so they always screw up entering your information.

So, in conclusion, I hate Jodi Sweetin and all of her little super-twitchy friends. I hope your meth labs explode and melt off your skin.

The end.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. alexandrajmiller permalink
    June 25, 2009 8:23 pm

    you really need to kick the meth addiction kelly. or at least change your appearance/attitude/general persona so you don’t look like such a tweaker. and please stop writing post when you are meth’d our of your mind, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE. i think it’s time for an intervention.

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