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July 2, 2009

So it is almost the 4th of July, and though my workplace is apparently NOT instituting a half day, due to public interest or whatever (fuck the federal government sometimes, seriously), this means that absolutely no one is doing any work, at all. This also means, of course, that it is time for another installment of Ina Garten: Fucking Sweet.

This week, in honor of the 4th of July, I plan to drink beer, grill stuff and then talk about how fucking great America is, even though half the time I hate the government, the people, the food and the environment. However, it is a holiday, and that means there is holiday themed dessert involved, and there is little that makes me happier than themed cake. And so it begins.

pledge your allegiance to the cake.

pledge your allegiance to the cake.

Flag-cake? Cake-flag? It is the essence of American, butter and sugar and sour cream decorated to look like nationalism patriotism. This cake serves about 40 people if you eat normal slices, but as I’ve mentioned before, I like dessert. A lot of dessert. And I live in America. So realistically, this cake might feed 10 people, maybe, if 2 of those people are children and you can elbow them out of the way with a minimum of effort.

Unfortunately, there’s actually not very much interesting about this cake: it features sour cream and cornstarch, which is pretty gross, and the fact that it takes 3 cups of sugar and 6 eggs to make it just means it is idiot proof. For serious – it is not hard to make a good tasting cake with 3 sticks of butter, the egg-laying capabilities of 2 chickens in 12 hours (just a guess? I actually have no fucking clue how fast chickens lay eggs), and a shit-ton (technical term) of sugar. Anyway, the point of this post is not even to ruminate on patriotism or the flag cake, or butter. The point is to prove that pie > cake.



Point 1: Cakes must be decorated, with frosting or icing or berries or whatever. A naked cake is no good. Pie, however, is delicious in its own package and needs no frosting.

Point 2: The best kind of cake is ice cream cake, which is not even cake, and ice cream cake with chunks of actual cake in it is fucking gross. The best kind of pie, however, is pie, none of the masquerading bullshit that regular cake makes us put up with.

Point 3: Eating cake for breakfast makes you look like a fat ass. Eating pie for breakfast makes you look like a fucking baller.

Point 4: Pie with ice cream on the side is delicious. Cake with ice cream on the side is excessive.

Point 5: Weddings have cake. Weddings end in divorce about half the time. Ergo, cakes cause the current 50% divorce rate.

Point 6: Pie has fruit, but it can also have chocolate, cream, or peanut butter. Cake which has fruit is called fruitcake. Fruitcake blows.

Point 7: Actually, fruitcake is the worst dessert-type confection to ever be ravaged upon this earth, the only thing to do with a fruitcake is use it as an anvil, a la Boondock Saints with the toilet. It would be decent for that, but it wouldn’t be even big enough to cause severe bodily harm, which we can agree was the main purpose. It wouldn’t be a good doorstop because it’s so fucking ugly, and you can’t build with it like a brick because everyone hates fruitcake and no one would want to live in a house made of it. I guess you could bury it.

Point 8: Pies can have streusel.

Point 9:  Cupcakes have eclipsed cake in terms of importance, popularity, and trends.  Pie does not have a diminutive and is the master of its realm.

Point 10: March 14th is Pi Day. There is no such equivalent for cake day.

Point 11: Christ I hate fruitcake.

Point 12: Cakes can fall in the middle, like in that episode of Saved by the Bell where they’re all working on a beach resort for the summer and Jessie makes a cake and Kelly puts a cherry in the middle and the thing collapses. This also incorporates point 1 – pie does not falter, and needs no embellishment.

Point 13: Pie is objectively delicious.

Point 14: Cake is objectively sucktastic.

Point 15: Cake comes in a mix, and though funfetti is cool, it’s for the plebs. Pie does not come in a mix because you cannot bullshit with pie. You can buy premade pie crust but I’m choosing to ignore this fact.

Point 16: Pie has not been whored out onto Food Network for shows about hipsters making it in Baltimore or competitions to see who can create the most lifelike (?) interpretation of Ursula from the Little Mermaid.

Point 17: Cake the movie was a “romantic rom-com”. Crap. There was a movie about pie starring Keri Russell; Spoon was on the soundtrack. Clutch.

Point 18: Cake has the following definition: Animal Husbandry. a compacted block of soybeans, cottonseeds, or linseeds from which the oil has been pressed, usually used as a feed or feed supplement for cattle. It also has the following synonyms: harden, solidify, dry, congeal. Objectively gross. Pie, however, is defined as: a baked food having a filling of fruit, meat, pudding, etc., prepared in a pastry-lined pan or dish and often topped with a pastry crust: apple pie; meat pie. Synonyms include: pastry, sweet course, a breeze, and a turkey shoot. Objectively awesome.

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