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No foam is for the assholes.

July 20, 2009

Last night, I had a dream nightmare about Michael Jackson. It went like this:

Michael Jackson faked his own death and started burgaling $4000 espresso machines. 

The first part can rest unexamined.  This second part, however, actually intrigues me due to a part time gig I have at a local coffee shop, one which I love to death, but whose customers resemble Succubi.  After I woke up from this lively night terror (inspired, no doubt, by the ‘chos that Afrika and I ingested last night whilst “watching” the new Lindsay Lohan made for tv movie), I took to wondering if the espresso machine at my place of weekend drudgery in fact cost $4000.  I did a little research at work and found out that, no, our commercial grade machine costs –

wait for it –

$20,000.  Baller. 

And the thing is constantly breaking, like all the time, but it works so well when it does work, which is why the on-campus coffee shops run by students produce mediocre, tepid espresso at best.  The dilettantes lack both crema and timing.  Also they’re constantly fucking each other and funneling proceeds back into parties for themselves, so while I support hedonism, if I’m paying $4 for a fucking cappucino, I want fresh foam.

This is a decent example of what we use at ye olde coffeeshoppe:

this is the tempermental asshole that makes you wait 5 minutes for your latte, isnt life unfair?

this is the tempermental asshole that makes you wait 5 minutes for your latte, isn't life unfair?

This high price point is also the reason your small decaf no foam sugarfree skim vanilla latte costs $4 (though we do charge a tax for being an asshole). That being said, don’t forget to tip your barista.  Seriously.  That shit gets me fed and Kashi is expensive.
This also brings me to part 1 of possibly 2: coffeeshop thoughts.  The first part – what else could I buy with $20,000? – after the jump.

If I had $20,000, I could buy the following things:

  • 4545 small Sweetflows (tax included)
  • 33 purebred black standard poodles
  • 90% of a 2010 Toyota Prius
  • 167 pairs of Birkenstocks
  • Cincinatti, Ohio
  • 10,000 boxes of Indian Fare from Trader Joe’s
  • 5,000 boxes of Tasty Bite from Whole Foods
  • 6667 bottles of really gross 3 Buck Chuck Chardonnay
  • this yacht
  • a low end hot air balloon
  • a bail payment on Law & Order: SVU (but only if the judge was being a  fucktard)
  • NOT a year of tuition at a nameless Jesuit institution of higher education located near Quick Pita
  • 10,000 NPR tote bags (and also probably a lifetime membership, man I love NPR, they’re so great)
  • a kiss with Robert Pattinson
  • various jobs in Bozeman, Montana
  • a life size bronze statue of a horse in someone’s garden
  • and, until about a year ago, probably also this house.  Fucking banks.
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One Comment leave one →
  1. July 20, 2009 7:16 pm

    Also, you could buy approximately 4 houses in downtown Detroit, as part of SSR+Team’s “Revitalize a City and Make Some Money” senior project. It’s going to be baller.

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