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The Paleo Diet: Why It Both Sucks and Probably Works

July 28, 2009

If you really want to look like these guys, at least take a damn shower.

If you really want to look like these guys, at least take a damn shower.

So the Paleo Diet.  We’ve heard it all haven’t we ladies?  Lose 30 pounds in two weeks by eating only broth and lemon water ( I’m looking at you, GOOP)!  But the Paleo Diet is different. I came across it after some routine “perusing” of the “netwebz”.  Like many meal plans  that don’t allow me to eat Gushers and cookie dough and bricks of cheese as much as I like, this diet sounds like a terrorist threat to my eating habits. However, it also sounds like it could really work if you stuck to it.

The Paleo Diet is short for “paleolithic” and for all of you who didn’t pass the third grade, Paleolithic is a time period when early man began to invent cool shit like wheels and tools and sexy lion skin capes.  Anyway, it was also during the hunter/gatherer time period before people discovered how awesome cheese was and how to farm yum-yums like corn and soybeans.  Here’s a quick summary of the diet:

With readily available modern foods, The Paleo Diet mimics the types of foods every single person on the planet ate prior to the Agricultural Revolution (a mere 500 generations ago). These foods (fresh fruits, vegetables, lean meats, and seafood) are high in the beneficial nutrients (soluble fiber, antioxidant vitamins, phytochemicals, omega-3 and monounsaturated fats, and low-glycemic carbohydrates) that promote good health and are low in the foods and nutrients (refined sugars and grains, saturated and trans fats, salt, high-glycemic carbohydrates, and processed foods) that frequently may cause weight gain, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and numerous other health problems. The Paleo Diet encourages dieters to replace dairy and grain products with fresh fruits and vegetables — foods that are more nutritious than whole grains or dairy products.

I mean, yeah, that makes sense.  You’ve never seen a really fat cave man, have you? Of course not. Fatties can’t hunt. We still see that today in feeding grounds known as “bars” and “nightclubs”, where minnie mcskinnies score more.  And we all know processed foods are the devil (except for Gushers. 100% of your daily Vitamin C bitches.) and that carbs and cheese will make you a little “heavier” than if you don’t “stuff your face” with them. Also fruit and veggies are delicious and meat is super yum.  Sorry vegetarians, but I love me the animals.  I tried that beat for a year and a half and the best thing I’ve ever eaten (besides that donut after my Outward Bound trip) was that McDonald’s double cheeseburger when I had anemia from only eating plants. Goddamn that was good.  I digress.

It may seem like this diet is awesome, and yeah you probably will lose weight if you eat a shit diet like I do, but think of what you’ll be giving up.  What I’m really trying to say is keep the eternal question in mind (also that “study” is bullshit, if you say oral sex you are a liar OR you’ve encountered someone who is the divine savior, in which case you should give him my number and tell him I’m awesome and disease-free). Ponder that, mes amis. No more pizza, mac and cheese, toast, french toast, omlettes, yogurt, milk and cookies, chocolate, ice cream cake, coffee, beer, vodka, gin, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, sweet tea vodka, boxed wine, pasta, or anything fun.  That sounds pretty damn awful, doesn’t it?  Recognize people.  Re.cog.nize.  For more information on this horrible yet probably really effective diet, got to this website: Now go eat some Gushers for heaven’s sake, before you get scurvy.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. jappy permalink
    July 28, 2009 3:38 pm

    I’m just going to throw this out there:

    the divine savior to whom you are referring is more likely a she than a he.

  2. dirtyhippie permalink
    July 28, 2009 5:01 pm

    I am pretty much already doing this…but I do still eat me some grains–because if I could not have Kashi or rice along with everything else I no longer eat, I would KILL A BITCH.

    However, even though I am currently in a cheese-free state of mind, my answer to the eternal question has not changed. Men, get your shit together.

    I also think we should make a BFFs pact that if one of us finds such a savior man (sorry W 4 W friends, but really, don’t talk, you have it pretty good already…) we agree that he is to be shared. That is just common courtesy.

  3. chefhooles permalink
    July 28, 2009 5:57 pm

    RE JAPPY: false.

    and just ftr (for.the.record), i would go without cheese for the rest of my life. easy.

  4. jappy permalink
    July 28, 2009 7:01 pm

    re: chefhooles Based on experience, I would have to say I’m in the right on this one. WAY in the right.

    dirtyhippie: communal men just takes our codependency to a whole new level.

    • dirtyhippie permalink
      July 31, 2009 12:51 am

      RE: jappy I am fine being codependent if my reward is a serious reconsideration of my answer to the eternal question.

      chefhooles: um, I think we need to have a private conversation, because if you are willing to go without cheese, you have obviously found the very specimen I covet. Its time to share, lady. Sharing is caring, just like they taught us in preschool.

  5. dedication permalink
    February 26, 2011 12:06 am

    I’ve been on the paleo diet for about a year now, and I lost 20 pounds!! There’s no drawbacks, except I heard people complain that I have a “bad smell” (weird, I shower every day, sometimes twice). I don’t really care, because I’m healthy. Other people might look more healthy than me but they eat so many chemicals and poison themselves with grains like rice and soy!!! I eat raw meat because that’s what nature intended!!!!!!!!!! Doctors criticize me because they don’t know anything. They use modern science. I use ancient wisdom.

  6. Lauren permalink
    May 20, 2011 5:55 pm

    I would like to do paleo, but I would probably rip someones arms off I was giving up processed carbs, alcohol AND giving up CAFFEINE. I am only human, for chrissakes!

  7. James Killnigger permalink
    November 5, 2011 5:05 am

    This is all just a bunch of nigger bullshit

  8. CeliaSunshine permalink
    November 8, 2011 9:47 pm

    Oral Sex Teeheehee, I love being a ditsy little bitch, Divine saviour? LOL LOL LOL
    But is Paleo in-line with feminism, because if so then i SSOOOO LOVE IT 😀
    Peace Girlies, Celia Sunshine

  9. doug permalink
    March 27, 2012 1:30 pm

    i know the messager:dedication. and she DOES stink like dog feces.

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