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Signs you might be a crack whore

September 10, 2009

In a desperate attempt to maintain our currently astronomical readership levels and get a book deal (hello there Random House, feel free to contact us, we’d love to write a book!), I’m going to write about what the people want to read. I’ll leave it up to the L-word watchers to write about the (pseudo and non-pseudo) lesbianism, and I’ll write about what I know best. No, not about being a pretentious, Pittsburgh private school-educated “pseudo intellectual” (I would probably have hypenated that so [sic]), but about crack whores, one of everyone’s favorite topics.

I'm Samantha, I have sex with everyone (for crack...)

I'm Samantha, I have sex with everyone (for crack...)

This post is specifically directed towards those dutiful readers who find DBIH by searching for the tag “crack whore.” I can only assume that you are searching for this because you are afraid that you might be considered one of them crack whores. Are you one? Here’s a quick guide.

1. When you picture yourself in 5 years, do you inexplicably look 20 years older than you should?

2. Did you start out using a gateway drug like nice, suburban crystal meth, only to find yourself gravitating towards something infinitely more “street” and “badass” like crack? All the cool kids are doing it.

3. Are you currently wearing a bra? Have you brushed your teeth recently? Do you have any teeth?

4. Have you finally found out about the miracle diet? Stimulants+burning calories through sex is a great way to get to that goal weight.

5. If asked, could you provide a more specific address than simply “The corner across from the 7/11?”

6. Do you carry your possessions [read: crack pipe and stripper heels] in a garbage bag?

7. This is your life:

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