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a public service

October 4, 2009

So Work Chucks and I are both strong believers in a theory I like to call “Certain things in life should just be free.” In fact, if you ask me, there are certain things in life that you should get PAID to do, and no I’m not talking about back alley blow jobs and abortions (in this instance, I’m talking directly to Tall. She knows why.)

Here is a partial list (certainly nowhere near the entirety of things that should be gratuit, as the French say)

1. Deodorant. This is the perfect example of something that is a PUBLIC SERVICE. Think about it: not only am I doing myself a favor by putting on my tropical scented Secret every day (ie nobody wants to be friends with the smelly kid), but I am making the world a better place. This is especially true for anyone who has ever gotten on a bus full of people who clearly aren’t wearing deodorant. It’s gross.

2. This brings me to my next point. Public transportation. I understand that this can’t be free free (like rape-rape- it’s an important distinction), but it shouldn’t be prohibitively expensive, right? Can’t we all agree on that? In this case, I’m talking directly to my friend Boris Johnson, the boy Mayor of London. In what world should the Tube cost 4 pounds for a one way trip at rush hour? SERIOUSLY?

Look at this guy, then ask yourself: is he as big of a G as Silvio? The jury is still out.

Look at this guy, then ask yourself: is he as big of a G as Silvio? The jury is still out.

3. Toilet paper. Again, like deodorant, we should all use toilet paper, properly, thus it should be provided for us. Because, who are we if not the kind of people that help others make the always difficult decision between a roll of toilet paper and a hamburger? We can’t expect people to do that alone.

4. Transferring money from one bank account to another WITHIN THE SAME BANK. Seriously, if I was back in America I would so pop a cap in someone’s ass from PNC bank. That’s right, you heard me. Next time you try to charge me $10 to cover an overdraft fee with my savings account, heads will roll. It’ll be like the Dark Ages, except worse.

5. Water. In case I haven’t given you the lecture yet, hydration is key. Key I tell you. The problems of the world would be much closer to being solved if people would just properly hydrate (this is how I’m going to win my Nobel Peace Prize, so don’t try to steal my idea @ahfdemocrat). Think about it- if we hydrate, our immune systems are better so we don’t get sick as easily. When we’re hydrated, we think better and pay attention more, so we’d be smarter. Plus, our skin would be nice and glowy and our pee would be an appropriate color. All good things.

Chef Hooles would also like me to note that prostitution should be free, but I just don’t know what crack whores would do if they couldn’t make money to buy crack from selling their poor, beaten up, drugged out bodies. So, I’m undecided.

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