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Christopher Columbus: Member of the Tribe?

October 16, 2009

Essentially, no.

But, if you want to take the word of one Bubbles S. Cohen and her Jewish Day School education, then yes. For the record, this day school was obviously lacking in something, because Bubbles (note: not her real name) never learned that Marcel Proust was Jewish (and a ghey, but that’s besides the point), a fact that I, incidentally, learned today from the New Yorker (proving the old adage that the New Yorker >> everything else ever in the world).

Exhibit A: a "schnoz" if you will (ugh, I will)

Exhibit A: a "schnoz" if you will (ugh, I will)

Let’s set the stage, shall we? Our story begins not in the court of Ferdinand and Isabella, but on the balmy shores of Punta Cana, where six intrepid travelers found themselves being assailed with offers of Ponzi schemes as well as lists of famous Jews (ones that obviously left off one Marcel Proust).  To our disbelief (oh, the disbelief!), Christopher Columbus was on that list. Not the Ponzi scheme one, the Jew list.

In the haze of six days of Mama Juana and food poisoning (the good old “FP”), we quickly forgot about this almost-definitely untrue factoid from the Jewish contingent of Team Dominican Republic. That is, until today, when we received this piece of troubling news out of the Latin American Herald Tribune (an obviously well-respected paper).

Evidently, some “scholar” from some bullshit school (really, who has ever heard of George Washington University? anyone? the kind of bullshit school where people SHOOT TOILETS for fun) proved that our favorite genocidaire of 1492 Chris was a Jew based on COMMA USAGE. She hides her methods through the use of “Spanish” and “linguistics,” but she is NOT fooling me. Not one bit.

One time, "George Washington" spoke at "Georgetown." Coincidence? I think not.

One time, "George Washington" spoke at "Georgetown." Coincidence? I think not.

After the jump: my rebuttal to this booshit booshit booshit.

Point A: Christopher Columbus used a lot of commas, also known as “virgule.”

rebuttal: do you know who else uses a lot of commas? Peggy Noonan. Not a Jew (thank Yahweh)

Point B: Christopher Columbus deliberately hid his origins. Thus, must be a Jew.

rebuttal: The Jews I know talk about it, a lot. They LOVE being Jewish. Everyone wants to be Jewish, including Tall, who has to remind us all the time that she’s half-Jewish or else we’d forget and Jappy, who tries so hard that she drives a BMW.

Point C: Christopher Columbus had a terrible sense of direction.

rebuttal: I’m Jewish, and I have a great sense of direction. I am an excellent navigator and driver. Chris? Not so much.

If I just sail West far enough, I'll get to India! Of COURSE!

If I just sail West far enough, I'll get to India! Of COURSE!

Point D: Christopher Columbus committed genocide, before it was cool to do it.

rebuttal: I don’t even need to make this point. Why rub it in?

Thus (THUS), I’m not buying it. And neither should you.

No Jew I know would ever be caught dead in a hat that ugly unless it was Prada.

No Jew I know would ever be caught dead in a hat that ugly unless it was Prada.

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. TALL permalink
    October 16, 2009 3:32 pm

    you didn’t know that proust was ghey from little miss sunshine? i did. only thing i learned from that movie, besides the fact that it’s totally fine to put a dead body in the trunk of a car if it’s for a child’s beauty pageant. nbd.

    Also wasn’t Columbus from VENICE as in “The Merchant of Venice” as in the Jewish Shakespeare play as in all Venitians are Jews, making Columbus a JEW? Obviously they are, because merchants are all Jews.

  2. Bubbles permalink
    October 17, 2009 12:25 am

    Way to read, Afrika. Way to read.

    “Estelle Irizarry, a linguistics professor at Washington’s Georgetown University, reached that conclusion…”

    Clearly, JDS>Sewickley Academy.

  3. Afrika permalink
    October 17, 2009 6:19 am

    yeah. just saw that. oops?

  4. Afrika permalink
    October 17, 2009 6:23 am

    essentially, I assumed that if anyone was dumb enough to think this was a worthwhile theory, they would work at GW. Turns out, isn’t as cool as we all thought (WTF midnight madness?)

  5. question permalink
    October 17, 2009 10:56 am

    Wait, so why is the theory outlandish again?

  6. Jim permalink
    October 21, 2009 1:44 pm

    Really? Who has ever heard of GWU? Apparently, people who grasp the whole idea behind reading comprehension. Way to look at a Georgetown University post and make claim that the incident took place at George Washington University. You’re a dumbass.

  7. chefhooles permalink
    October 21, 2009 6:46 pm

    for someone who reveres “reading comprehension” (which i’m sure granted you the verbal sat score that granted you admission to the oh-so-competitive gwu) you seem to have missed the point. but please, don’t let us distract you from your blind hatred of the cross-town university that is, literally, on a higher level than yours.
    suck it, nerd.

  8. Afrika permalink
    October 21, 2009 8:46 pm

    hi jim,
    i obviously made an error and had corrected it long before you commented. next time you decide to be an absolute douchebag asshole, go do it at george washington. nobody has the patience for it at dbih.

  9. Charles permalink
    October 26, 2009 11:17 am

    … what the hell are you rambling on about? You obviously don’t know your head from your ass or a hole in the wall. I’ll work backwards. First, Jews hid their origins in the late Church period, and especially immediately after, because of the prejudices they faced. Columbus may not have gotten the job if he were known to be Jewish. You’re making a syllogism (read: weakest of all rhetorical arguments) in suggesting the author has something against Jews because she points out an empirically, historically supported fact.

    Second, what the fuck does genocide have to do with anything? Genocide includes a willful attempt at eliminating a particular — wait, this is so silly I won’t waste the time. It’s not part of the author’s argument, it has nothing to do with his ethno-religious background, and is spacious at the most. What a joke.

    On point, it’s not about the use of the punctuation by itself, the key is in the usage of the symbol relative to the entire community where Columbus always said he was born. Relative to the writing style employed by Jewish communities of Sephardi descent that didn’t show up in classical schooled European’s calligraphy. She labored in her research and found a correlated pattern that she then developed into a theory to explain said patterning. A theory that , if you did any research yourself, is being lauded by ethno-linguists and Euro literary historians alike (from places like, say, Yale, Cambridge, Geneva, St. Andrews, UCLA, and others that you would likely suggest are beneath you).

    I have no idea what GW has to do with anything , since you write like Faulkner on PCP or some wild combination of uppers and pure sugar, so if you could water that red herring down my ignorant self I would much appreciate it.

    Thank you kindly.

  10. TALL permalink
    October 26, 2009 2:59 pm

    charles, a few questions for you:
    1. how did you find our blog?
    2. to quote you “wait, this is so silly I won’t waste the time … What a joke.” in response i would just like to say: yes.
    3. I have never heard of “yale” or “cambridge” or this “st. andrew.” i think they are beneath me since A. I am Tall and B. I have never heard of your fictitious locales.
    4. do you have a blog of your own?
    5. are you single? call me.

  11. Chris permalink
    October 26, 2009 3:10 pm

    CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WAS NOT A JOO, THAT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS WITH TWO SHITS IN THEIR ASS AND TWO LOBES IN THEIR BRAIN. BROTHAH COLUMBUS WAS A MEMBER OF THE NATION OF ISLAM, THOUGH IN HIS EARLY YEARZ HE OBVIOUSLY HAD SOME ZOROASTRIAN INFLUENCES. FOR INSTANCE, WHEN BROTHAH COLUMBUS GRADUATED FROM FORDHAM IN 1912, HE WAS VOTED VALEDICTORIAN and during his GRADUATION SPEECH, HE SHOWED UP HIGH ON COUGH SYRUP MUTTERING SHIT LIKE With these entreaties, O Mazda Ahura, may we not anger you, nor Truth or Best Thought, we who are standing at the offering of praises to you. You are the swiftest bringer of invigorations, and you hold the power over benefits.

    AFTER THE ’68 RIOTS HOWEVER, BROTHAH COLUMBUS HAD ENOUGH AND JOINED THE NATION, PROCLAIMING IN HIS FAMOUS PHILOSOPHICAL TRACT “De potestate papae et concilii” THAT HE WAS “GONNA FUCK UP ALL KINDSA’ HONKEYS”

    In Conclusion, if Columbus were actually Jewish, he probably would have gone to GW, since its like, 70% Jewish or something ridiculous. Seriously, you guys make Brandeis look like Liberty University. Seeing as Columbus went to Fordham, he clearly was a Muslim-Zoroastrian hybrid.

    • Chris permalink
      October 26, 2009 3:12 pm

      Chris, you’re a dipshit, Christopher Columbus was clearly a mahayana Buddhist, everyone knows he was the 9th incarnation of the Panchen Lama.

  12. Bubbles permalink
    October 26, 2009 3:17 pm

    OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

  13. dirtyhippie permalink
    October 26, 2009 3:18 pm

    Hi Charles, if that is even your real name (which I doubt–who the hell is still named Charles? No one. That’s who.), I would first of all like to thank you for starting off a comment that is longer than the actual post with “…what the hell are you rambling on about?” This is a very good question indeed.

    Second, might you illuminate for us how you know what it would be like for Faulkner to write syllogisms (read: a type of rhetorical argument mocked by various men named after former European kings who really should stop spending all their time on the internet searching for random blogs that they have no connection to) whilst on PCP? And really, how would that be the same as being on a combination of uppers and pure sugar? Afrika happens to be my wife, and trust me, I know what she is like while hopped up on sugar (or potentially PCP) and this is not it.

    Go back to your World of Warcraft guild and internet porn (its all homosexual, you know…) and leave us here at DBIH alone.

  14. Afrika permalink
    October 26, 2009 3:20 pm

    also charles, i’m going to go real far out on a limb here and assume you’re a fellow hoya. congratulations for pretty much epitomizing everything about georgetown that makes everyone else think we’re a university of douchebags. really- go you.
    re: the Faulkner reference- muchas gracias for the compliment. at least, in my peyote-fueled haze, I read it as a compliment.
    if you haven’t learned how to take a joke yet, go back to prep school.
    also, just FYI, you misused “spacious.” you probably meant to say “specious.” we here at DBIH are big sticklers for vocabulary and grammar.

  15. October 26, 2009 3:38 pm

    Charles, the game is up! I have a question for you:

    Given the fact that you are currently searching for a personal assistant (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/10/21/AR2009102102833.html) how is it that you have time to comment on DBIH, hmMMM?!?

    Someone has some ‘splainin to do.

  16. Cory permalink
    October 26, 2009 8:17 pm

    WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE???? DUMBOCRATTS

  17. jappy permalink
    October 26, 2009 9:16 pm

    I love this.

  18. jappy permalink
    October 26, 2009 9:20 pm

    also, stop saying crazy stuff.

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