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An Open Letter to James Franco

June 18, 2010

Dear James,

Listen man, I don’t really know how to say this, but I’m worried about you.

I need you to know that this comes from a place of love, there is no blame here, I know things can get totz cray cray sometimes and you may have just gotten in over your head with this whole “tortured artist” thing, and maybe you just need someone to hold your hand and lead you away from the patchouli-smelling, plaid-covered warehouse party that has become your existence. I am totally okay being that person.

See, I didn’t want to have to go all Intervention on you, but some things have come to light today that have simply forced my hand. I let it slide when you went off to get your “degree” from UCLA and then seemed to move to New York and insert yourself into the hipster, ” I am the 21st century Jack Kerouac” scene (and don’t EVEN get me started on how hard it was to watch that), but today, TODAY things have gone too far.

Because you see, today, whilst innocently reading my various celebrity gossip blogs, I came across a truly terrifying discovery. You are apparently about to open your first art show at a gallery in New York City (good for you, Peter), but the contents of said show are far too disturbing for even me to stomach. You see, apart from the various sculptures and short films in this art extravaganza, you are also presenting some of your original writing. What type of writing, might you ask? (because, lets face it, you probably smoked wayyyy too much hash last night to remember this shit) Well, allow me to illuminate it for you: you will be placing your very own Kirk/Spock fan fiction on display. Again, in case the ladies jeans that you are wearing are too tight, and the grease in your hair too heavy for you to think clearly, Kirk/Spock slash is code for Kirk/Spock Star Trek porn. That you wrote.



That is just…its just too far, James. I just can’t stand it any more. You are too pretty a person to do this to yourself. Why are you doing this to us? WHY?

Don’t you remember that guy who was all fresh faced and action-hero-y in Spider Man?

look how cute you are in your glasses!

I do.

Don’t you remember being all cute and funny in Freaks and Geeks?

you are so silly, James!


I don't even have words.

Listen, maybe it was our fault. Maybe we should have known that Pineapple Express was all too real for you and that you were not in the right mind to take it on. Maybe the Funny or Die videos were a cry for help that fell on deaf ears. Maybe we should have used our bodies as human shields to prevent you from stepping inside a classroom that obviously riddled your fragile mind with more knowledge than you could handle. But it is too late for that now.

So James, please listen. I’m standing up to say I’m sorry. WE are sorry. We’re sorry we let it go on so long. We’re sorry we let the hipsters get you. And most of all, we’re sorry we ever let someone show you an episode of Star Trek.

So please, hear our plea. Come back to us. Do another action movie. Take a shower. Come back to LA and drive down Sunset in a Porsche. Remember who you are. Who we need you to be.

And please, PLEASE, no more with the boy on boy fan fiction…

Sincerely and with Concern,


One Comment leave one →
  1. Afrika permalink
    June 19, 2010 7:05 am

    also that dumb fucking pubic hair goatee might be enough to get him a hot body pillow, but it’s just not doing it for me.
    i want punk-style daniel desario.

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