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New things to bitch about today

July 1, 2010

There will be no fireworks on the Fourth of July for me. None. Zippo. Nada.

Fireworks in London are pretty fucking awesome (see below). This begs the question, why aren’t there ALWAYS fireworks in London?

If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense for England to celebrate our Independence Day. They should be HAPPY that we are no longer a colony, or that they didn’t have to deal with some kind of crazy American Gandhi-esque figure in the 1940s who would have just fucked shit up beyond belief.

In reality, we were a pretty shitty colony. There were no diamonds in New York. There was no gold in Maryland. And the Fountain of Youth sure as fuck didn’t exist in Florida, so that fucking sucked for a certain Juan Ponce de Leon. Sorry dude, you failed.

How do you say LATFH en espanol?

We were pretty ungrateful colonies. In what one of my ridiculous British professors called the “myth of the Boston Tea Party,” a bunch of Americans (dressed up like injuns I’ve gotta add) threw TEA into Boston harbor! British people LOVE tea! They put milk and sugar in it and they drink it all day with their stupid little pinkies sticking up in the air and they look ruh-tarded. But they like it, and we’ve gotta humor them. They have bad teeth.

Plus, having us as an ally rather than a colony has offered the British the privilege and opportunity of being our partners in the War on Terror. You’re welcome, England. You are so so welcome. I’m sure Afghanistan and Iraq join me in thanking you for letting the US go early enough so that we could surpass the British Empire and become a superpower. Go team.

One Comment leave one →
  1. workchucks permalink
    July 1, 2010 4:56 pm

    The Myth of the Boston Tea Party? Is that like the War of Northern Agression? I wish I were better at naming things for the sole purpose of historical revision…

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