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In which a junior #team member is still younger than us

July 1, 2011

This story begins on a summer day in 1992. I think I was wearing cut-offs (there are dozens of us!) with white tights and a tshirt with a Swiss Dinosaur on it. Then, a rotund version of the Marla Bear came outside and said she had to go to the hospital. She came back with a gross, red, bald baby that took a shit on my lap. No joke, the star of this story was bald until the age of 2 (not in a LATFH, I’m so awesome I don’t need hair, I’ll just tattoo my scalp, kind of way) and one time she took a shit on my lap.

Now she’s still a teenager. But an older one! One time, she almost got arrested but she was too drunk. Another time, she forgot which pedal was the gas and which was the break. Another time, she forgot to get on her plane home from Spain and ended up stuck in Chicago (a story for another time: How Jappy’s failed trip to Kenya parallels the small childe’s failed trip to Spain).

Anyway, our teenage almost-team member likes to eat vodka watermelon when her mom isn’t looking. She also pretends to go camping, but really she just goes to the mall for nail polish and lipstick (tee hee!).

I still haven’t gotten her a birthday present, because my dad doesn’t want me spending all my money getting her all glittered up for Easter.

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