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July 3, 2011

In which a junior #team member is still younger than us

July 1, 2011

This story begins on a summer day in 1992. I think I was wearing cut-offs (there are dozens of us!) with white tights and a tshirt with a Swiss Dinosaur on it. Then, a rotund version of the Marla Bear came outside and said she had to go to the hospital. She came back with a gross, red, bald baby that took a shit on my lap. No joke, the star of this story was bald until the age of 2 (not in a LATFH, I’m so awesome I don’t need hair, I’ll just tattoo my scalp, kind of way) and one time she took a shit on my lap.

Now she’s still a teenager. But an older one! One time, she almost got arrested but she was too drunk. Another time, she forgot which pedal was the gas and which was the break. Another time, she forgot to get on her plane home from Spain and ended up stuck in Chicago (a story for another time: How Jappy’s failed trip to Kenya parallels the small childe’s failed trip to Spain).

Anyway, our teenage almost-team member likes to eat vodka watermelon when her mom isn’t looking. She also pretends to go camping, but really she just goes to the mall for nail polish and lipstick (tee hee!).

I still haven’t gotten her a birthday present, because my dad doesn’t want me spending all my money getting her all glittered up for Easter.

Shaun White

June 30, 2011

We don’t talk enough about him. I don’t know why we don’t talk more about the Flying Tomato. We talk a lot about Jason Segel, and, let’s be honest, he’s getting a little flabby and How I Met Your Mother is not that funny (related post, to be written later: Friends is funnier than I remember it being.).

We also talk a lot about lesbians, but we’re just pandering for readers. That’s definitely allowed.

So, Shaun White. I think he does extreme sports. I’m not really one for extreme sports- apparently, watching a baseball game is extreme enough to break my entire face, so I don’t really want to know what would happen if I tried to, I don’t know, skate off the Empire State Building with a parachute made of marshmallows or something.

Did you know Shaun White has a clothing line at Target? If you didn’t know, you’re not shopping in the boys’ department enough. Shaun White For Target flannel is where it’s at yo.

Shaun White also has great hair. No joke, I’d love to have hair like that. Sometimes mine looks like his, all smooth and well-defined curlz and stuff, then I get on the Tube and come out looking like fucking Carrot Top. Let’s say it together: Fuck.My.Life. Or at least, fuck my Jewish frizzy hair genes.

Anyway, Shaun (can we call you Shaun?), please be our friend. We’d even let you guest blog about the ski slopes or the yearly snowfall or something? I don’t know, you pick.

Flowing locks of ginger

In which Tall tells you about other things people she knows do on the internet

June 29, 2011

Sadly, it’s not porn. But hey, you never know what this economic climate might lead people to turn to!

Anyway, this guy I know decided to STEAL MY IDEA for a tumblr. Ok fine, full disclosure: upon hearing that this guy had gotten into a PhD program at some school in New Haven I’ve never even heard of (probably University of Phoenix, let’s be honest), I decided his time would be best spent writing books about history and dinosaurs, since those are the things he loves best. Characters in this series would be called Jefferson Rex, and Bronotsaurus Hamilton, and reenact history-times for children and the idiot adult population (read: DBIH readers). Everyone laughed at ol’ Tallsies, but lo and behold this motherfucker starts a tumblr with MY IDEA. I have made a legal document saying that I own at least 25% of everything that comes from this tumblr (remember how good we at DBIH are at franchising and such?).  Ok so I guess go visit his tumblr or whatever so I can make some coin on this genius idea:

Another one of our nearest and dearest has started a tumblr (what are these things, herpes? THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!!!!), and it is great. Afrika did this while DBIH was essentially in a coma/hibernation period. She writes down fun things that people say, including me and her Marla Bear. It is called Cracker Bread, not to be confused with Cracker Barrel, which I was at first and then got really excited because BISCUITS!!!!! Nomz. But it’s Cracker Bread like bread that is a cracker like Jew food. Good shit, right Miroki? Right. Go peruse that shit:

If you too have a tumblr, don’t fucking tell me about it. I don’t know you, I don’t want your weird thoughts. DM them to Anthony Weiner, I’m sure he could use a friend right now.

Ron Swanson: The Best

June 29, 2011

DirtyHippie (god save her soul because she is in California) sent me this great video of #team hero, Ron fucking Swanson. Behold his glory:

How to Play Tennis

June 27, 2011

1.  You play to 21
2.  Every time you hit the ball and it lands in the green part on the other side of the net, you get a point
3.  +2 points every time you pause to drink from your water bottle, and then people waiting their turn to play think you’re done, but you’re not.
4.  +1 because your water bottle is full of mimosa.
5.  +2 points if you hit the ball and it hits your side of the court and then bounces over the net, because this is essentially giant beer pong.
6.  Every time your opponent scores, drink your mimosa (mimosa pong).
7.  +1 point for interrupting the game next to you.
8.  +½ a point if you hit the ball so hard with your brute strength that the ball flies out of the court and into the baseball game behind the tennis court.  This is called a ground rule double.
9.  It is legal to softly hit the ball up in the air, and then slam it. This is called an alley-oop.
10.  No grunting.
11.  -2 points for being an asshole, generally (see above).
12.  +4 points if your partner think you’re being an asshole, but you’re actually being hilarious.
13.  It’s win-GAR-dium mi-MO-sah, not win-GAR-dium mi-mo-SAH.

Proving a point

June 27, 2011

Being an insanely contrary, aggressively argumentative person (really? me?), I really like winning. Not Charlie Sheen style #winning, but actually, you know, winning at things. Like games. And bets. And the Charlie Sheen style being balls awesome at life. I do it all.

My soon to be latest win is two years in the making and I think it will be my best. When I finally get my haircut in or around the beginning of September, it will have been two years since I’ve had a haircut. Remember when I used to look like a Little Boy? Yeah, haven’t gotten a haircut since then.

“Why?” you ask. Well, it’s simple. I’m proving a point to my mother, also known as Marla Bear. Marla Bear thinks, like many do (including Jappy and Tallsies), that haircuts are something one should get regularly. I disagree. Why should I get a haircut, paying the big buxxx since I have lots o’hair, just to be told to get another one in 8 weeks?

[Sidebar: after a terrible brush with lice at camp one summer, I do not like having people touch my hair. Not one little bit.]

So, I told Marla Bear (oh yes I did), that I would SHOW HER. And I am. So, my ends may be split. I may look like a crusty. BUT I WILL WIN. This is Sparta.


I'm in danger of looking like this, despite the bottle of deep-moisture conditioner I go through each week. FML.